40 Proven, Time-Tested Jokes To Use In Your Best Man Speech That Will Get Laughs At Any Wedding
If you've left the writing of your wedding speech to the last minute, the below jokes will help you out. Simply insert the appropriate names where needed and go kill it! Feel free to edit these jokes to make them more relevant to the situation.
1. The geography joke: "There are guests here from all over - insert city or place), (insert city or place)... there's even someone here all the way from (insert furthest city or place). It's amazing how far some people will travel for a free meal."
2. The next wedding joke: "If I don't do a good job with this speech, maybe I can do another one at (insert name)'s next wedding."
3. The why joke: "If I'm the Best Man, why is (insert bride's name) marrying (insert groom's name)?"
4. If your brother is getting married: "(insert name), you're like a brother to me."
5. If your brother is getting married and you have another sister: "(insert name), you're like a brother to me. (insert brother's wife's name), you're like the sister I already have."
6. If the groom has a favorite hobby/thing/pastime: "Today is about (insert name) and the love of his life, his (insert hobby)." Hobbies could include a piece of technology, a favorite sports team or pastime, a TV show they are fascinated with, or a weird obsession, etc. Be SPECIFIC as possible. Don't just say "his laptop", instead say "his MacBook Pro." Don't just say "his dog", instead say "his Golden Retriever Sparky." Don't just say "his TV", instead say "his 60 inch Plasma TV."
7. If the groom doesn't make mistakes: "(insert name) is such a great person. He rarely makes mistakes. Because of this, it was hard for me to come up with material for this speech. If it wasn't for the (insert a funny quirk, a funny thing about their appearance, something you always make fun of them about, something funny that recently happened), I'd be screwed."
8. When talking about the groom's spouse: "(insert name), I couldn't have asked for a better (sister in law, friend in law, etc). You are (insert good quality), (insert good quality), (insert good quality), and most importantly, you make my brother/friend happy in a way that I never could."
9. If the groom is "whipped" by his bride: "Everyone loves (insert groom's name). His friends, his family, his co-workers, and even his boss. And I'm not talking about (insert bride's name)."
10. If the groom is cheap: "I can't believe we're here. If you had told me two years ago that (insert name) would spend $40,000 in one day, I would have said you're crazy."
11. If the groom/bride is cheap AND and doesn't normally like to dress up: "I can't believe we're here. If you had told me two years ago that (insert name) would have both dressed up AND spent $40,000 on the same day, I would have said you're crazy."
12. If the groom is cheap AND has glasses/can't see that well: "They say that when you lose a sense, your other senses heighten. Well, (insert name) can't see that well, so his sense of cheapness is heightened. Now, you might be thinking 'cheapness is not a sense,' but if you knew about (insert name)'s ability to sniff out a deal, you would think otherwise."
13. If the groom is cheap: "I'm not sure when (insert name) was more disappointed - when (put in a bad moment such as him losing a job, his favorite sports team losing, him breaking a leg, etc.) or when he told me his wedding would have an open bar. Everytime he sees one of us having a drink, I'm sure he'll cringe, and think about the $3 he just lost. So, just to stick it to (insert name), let's all drink up! But not too much, or (insert name) might invoice you. You might get a card from him/her that says: 'Thanks for the salad spinner- you still owe me $6.'"
14. If the groom is cheap: "Let me give you some examples of (insert name) being cheap. (insert name) will buy head and shoulders shampoo at Costco and pray to God that he'll have dandruff for the next 7 years. (insert name) hates paying for air conditioning so in the summer his place feels like the Sahara Desert. (insert name) hates paying for heat so in the winter his place feels like Alaska. I'm only comfortable at (insert name)'s place in the spring or fall."
15. If the groom is cheap: "(insert name) is so cheap. In fact, he went to a Republican rally the other day, not because he's into politics, but because he wanted to see if Donald Trump could get Mexico to pay for this wedding."
16. If the groom is chubby: "It's good to see (insert name) got in shape for the wedding. Although I didn't know that shape was a circle." (DO NOT SAY THIS FOR THE BRIDE HAHA)
17. Get people laughing right off the bat: "I have to go to the bathroom so I'm gonna make this quick."
18. Giving a speech for an only brother: "A couple of weeks ago (insert name) said to me: 'I don't really want you speaking at my wedding, but you're the only brother I have.'"
19. Giving a speech for brother and you have other siblings: "A couple of weeks ago (insert name) said to me: 'I don't really want you speaking at my wedding, but (insert other sibling's name) isn't that funny.'"
20. If the crowd likes to drink: "Let's raise a toast to the most important people here today... the bar staff."
21. If the groom likes beer: "(groom's name) and I have many similarities that have kept us together for the last number of years... for instance we share the same favorite colors, Blue and Blue Light."
22. If you went to college with the groom: "(groom's name) and I had a great time in college. We never went to class. In fact, the only thing we read was 'drink responsibly' on the side of our beer cans."
23. Embarrassing moments: "Many wedding speeches make fun of the groom, but I'm not going to do that here today. So I won't talk about the time (insert name) did (embarrassing thing #1)... or the time he did (embarrassing thing #2)... or the time he did (embarrassing thing #3)."
24. If you and your sibling/friend were both born in the same decade: "Let me tell you a bit about my relationship with (insert name). We met in the 80's."
25. If you are giving a speech for a friend and recently did for a family member: "I apologize if you were at my brother/sister's (insert family member name)'s wedding last month (insert appropriate month), because this speech is almost identical. The only difference is I've replaced (insert family member name) with (insert groom's name) and (insert family member name) with (insert bride's name). So here goes: today I am very proud of my younger brother (insert groom's name) and my new sister in law (insert bride's name). Oops, forgot to edit that sentence."
26. If you're a brother to the groom but not the Best Man: "For those of you that do not know me, my name is (insert your name) and I'm today's Best Brother. I decided to enter the Best Brother Sweepstakes instead of the Best Man Sweepstakes because there was less competition."
27. If you're a friend to the groom but not the Best Man: "For those of you that do not know me, my name is (insert your name) and I'm today's Best Friend. I didn't qualify to be the Best Man, because let's be honest, I'm still just a boy."
28. Pretending to read a list of good character traits that the groom gave you: "(insert name) is (insert good quality). He is (insert another good quality). He is (insert another good quality). And he is - oh shoot, (insert name), what does that say here?" (say the last sentence while looking over to the groom and pointing at your paper, inferring that he gave you that list)
29. If you share a lot of similarities with the groom: "They say for a relationship to last, two people must have many things in common. It's (insert groom/bride's name) and my similarities that have kept us together for over 13 years."
30. The soul-mate punchline: "There comes a time in everyone's life when they meet the love of their life, their soul mate, the one person that's going to love them unconditionally for the rest of their life. That moment came for (insert groom's name) 10 years ago when he met me."
31. If the girl wanted to get married for a long time: "I've always respected (insert groom's name) because he is a much wiser man than me. He doesn't like to leave things to the last minute, like me with this speech. He is very smart, he likes to plan and think things through, he doesn't rush into things, and likes to take his time with things. (insert bride's name)'s like 'no shit.'"
32. Ring joke: "There are 3 rings in marriage - the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and suffering."
33. If the groom has a beard: "(insert bride's name), you look amazing today. (insert groom's name), you didn't even shave."
34. If the groom is clean-shaven: "(insert bride's name), you look amazing today. (insert groom's name), let's just say that I'm glad you at least shaved."
35. If the wedding party is huge: "I'm not sure which group is larger - (insert name)'s groomsmen, or the population of Rhode Island (pick anything that might be applicable to your location or your audience)."
36. If the groom is very friendly: "(insert name)'s very well liked. In fact, he/she's the type of person that can become your best friend within two minutes of meeting you. When I met (insert name), however, I played hard to get - it took us two weeks."
37. If you're a brother of the groom and you have a weird last name: "(insert bride's name), welcome to the family. I sincerely apologize about the last name you have to use from now on. I told (insert groom's name) he should have used (insert bride's maiden name)."
38. If you're a friend of the groom and he has a weird last name: "(insert bride's name), I sincerely apologize about the last name you have to use from now on. I only call (insert groom's name) by his first name because I still have no idea how to say his last name."
39. If you're a friend of the groom or bride: "(insert groom or bride's name), I couldn't have asked for a better friend-in-law."
40. If the groom or bride isn't good with directions: "Good to see (insert name) made it here on time, since he/she's not the best with directions. I found this out when when he/she asked me what street the App Store is on."
